rushing back to health

Sounds like a nice concept, doesn't it? Well, not when you've been suffering from depression, it ain't! In fact, it's one of the most dangerous things you can do, because you risk undoing all the re-wiring that's been going on in your brain since you crashed. I think I've been doing a bit of this 'rushing' thing myself, and the trip to Filey was probably part of it - which is why I seem to have gone AWOL from the blog for a few days. I can't write when I'm not being true to myself, and a lack of truth is the inevitable consequence of 'rushing' things.

The symptoms gradually crept back; I started to feel the tiredness again for no apparent reason; my spirits began to dip; and there was no getting away from the knotted-up stomach that comes with the re-appearing anxiety. Fortunately, I had my therapist to help me see what was going on. As ever, it's nothing to do with an external 'illness', but everything to do with what's going on in my own head.

As I start to feel stronger, the expectations I have of myself begin to grow. I start to place more and more demands on myself (like going off to Filey for a night on the beers to help a mate deal with his own problems), and these demands begin to exert their own pressure. The voices chime in: 'What's the big deal? I'm feeling loads better, so I surely must be able to manage a night out and a few jars! It should be fine, and anyway, I ought to be ready to go back to work in a couple of weeks, so it'll be a good test.' These 'shoulds', 'musts' and 'oughts' seem to magically appear, as if out of nowhere, as I subtly browbeat myself into action.

It's not long, either, before the vicious circle of 'feeling worse for feeling worse' starts itself up again too. As I feel uncomfortable with these new demands I'm placing on myself, I begin to berate myself for not coping well enough, thinking 'I must try harder... come on, this is silly!' So I end up suppressing the very thoughts and emotions which have surfaced to act as my guide.

This is why we must respect depression once we are in its grasp. It takes time to do its work, and we genuinely have to learn - through the painful lessons the mind must take on board from the body - how to become well again.