emerging from a long, dark night of the soul

Friday 13th seemed like an inauspicious day to begin my first blog, but when I heard from the venerable folk at the BBC World Service that today marks the 20th anniversary of the creation of the world wide web (or t'internet), I thought I'd better get my act together. Some boffin (a British boffin, mark you!) called Tim Berners-Lee figured it out, apparently, when I was a mere strip of a lad - 17 years old, with not the faintest clue of what life was all about. So thanks, Sir Tim, for helping to open up the world a little, and for providing a chink of cyberspace for a small voice like mine to be heard.

Today I find myself at a peculiarly 'in-between' destination on life's journey. Having been plunged into a deep depression for the last two months or more, I am slowly starting to glimpse the blue sky beyond the dark clouds, and am allowing a little compassion and forgiveness back into my life - not least of all for myself.

This is not the first time I have been mauled by Churchill's 'Black Dog' (or more accurately, perhaps, Nietzsche's 'wild dogs in the cellar'), so I am painfully familiar with some of the terrain. But it is, nonetheless, akin to passing into another world where there is 'fog over the battlefield'... and where the battle is with none other than your most dreaded enemy - yourself.

So it is with some trepidation that I start writing now... a somewhat flaky state of mind, perhaps... maybe some of the old marbles are still AWOL... but it is an interesting place to be, this edge of reason, and so it might prove interesting to witness. Neither the bleak blackness of full-on depression, nor yet the bright daylight of release from its grip, this is certainly a 'grey area' in more ways than one. There's an uncertainty about where I'm headed, and the future has a worryingly vague aspect to it. And yet... there is something immensely liberating about slowing down (truly slowing down), chucking away the 'to do' list and emptying the diary.

There's so much trapped energy in my system. Recently it was locked in my body by endless negativity and painful memories, denying proper sleep while stirring anxiety and dread. Now, at last, it is being released in huge, hippopotamus yawns from the very base of my stomach after waking in the delicious sleepiness which comes from a good night's rest.

So here begins the journey online, and hopefully my various jottings will help me on my way back to good health. Whether they do or not, I hope to provide a little insight and entertainment along the way, and to prompt one or two of you to share your thoughts with me. My 'journey of the mind' won't be a trudge, I promise you. It is a journey which has already given me more wisdom and hope than all of my earlier education, and it will be balanced with plenty of other journeys - both real and imaginary - across this wonderful planet of ours. Travel is never far my my thoughts, even if I am confined to base camp for a while!