owning our feelings

One of the biggest problems for those of us who suffer from depression is that we can never be sure which are our true feelings, and which are imposters. Sounds odd, I know, but the very nature of the condition, if it has been around for a long while (and it usually has), means that it comes stocked with a whole store cupboard full of repressed feelings and emotions.

These feelings - though very real - have been buried deep inside us, often from a very young age. As sensitive kids who were eager to please, we soon learned which of our emotions were welcome - and therefore gained approval - and which did not. The denial of ‘undesirable’ feelings - whether they be anger, sadness or fear - does not eliminate them, however. They become suppressed, only to re-emerge later in life as depression - essentially a condition resulting from the denial of the true self.

Consequently, in order to resolve our depression (when we are sufficiently recovered to do so, that is), we have to be prepared to untangle our real feelings from those imaginary ones we have taught ourselves over many years of self-deception. This game of perception vs reality is far from fun, I can assure you, but - as the worst of the suffering passes - it is often possible to gather certain clues to help us unravel the mystery.

1) Trust your instincts. The great French detective and philosopher, Jacques Clouseau, saw instinct as his greatest asset, and defined it as ‘that rare ability to know, without having to stop and reason'. It is this stopping to reason which can land us in trouble, because we start to twist and deny our true feelings. Gwyneth Lewis, perhaps a more reliable source in Sunbathing in the Rain, said: ‘learn to trust the first thought and dismiss the second… the first thought is not only more accurate but usually more humble than its brainy but tricksy successor'.

2) Think with your heart. Remember there is a reason why instinct or intuition is often referred to as a ‘gut reaction’. These are feelings you sense within your body rather than with your head. The process of mindfully tuning into your body’s sensations is not easy, but it is an invaluable way of getting a truthful read-out on how you feel. An ability to recognise your ‘heart sinking’ or your ‘stomach churning’ will tell you far more than you will learn from listening to the endless machinations of the mind. For much more on this approach, see The Mindful Way Through Depression (Williams et al.)

3) Trust your 'little voice'. Although true feelings will often be well hidden, they often have their own ‘voice’ which, alongside the bodily sensations described above, we can tune into if we pay sufficient attention. Barely audible through the din of the grown-up, rational commands of ‘should’, ‘must’ and ‘ought’, this voice is nonetheless there, and crying out to be heard. It has a persistent quality which knows the pain, suffering and insecurities of childhood, and which demands - above all else - compassion for the self, protection and kindness.

'The intellect is less strict than the spirit. The spirit, which is the final judge, does not exhaust us with arguments, it simply forces us to look.'
ALAIN, THE GODS

Of course, we can - if we wish - continue to ignore our true feelings, and consign our instinct, our bodily sensations and our ‘little voice’ to the dungeon. This is, after all, what we have generally done in the past. But we must realise that this will incur a huge cost. Indeed, it is already costing us dearly in our depression, and the price in future may be simply too much to bear.