the tyranny of expectations...

Expectations have a lot to answer for, especially in a society as developed as ours. We are positively encouraged to nurture expectations that are unlikely to be fulfilled, while living in an environment which ensures they will be unattainable.

We expect to be happy, but are fed on a diet of transient, short-lived and addictive pleasures. We expect to be valued, but are treated like numbers in a game and talked to like idiots. We expect to be in control, but we feel like puppets, manipulated by politicians, bosses, bankers, even friends.

Even if we are more realistic in the demands we place on ourselves, society is not. We are expected to be brainy, slim, sexy, thoughtful, eco-friendly, ambitious, healthy, wise, kind, wealthy, brave, strong, smiling, positive, sensitive and fair. It is not clear whether we ought to be all of these things at the same time, although this seems to be the implication. I guess it depends which magazines we are reading or TV stations we are tuned into. And if, by some superhuman miracle, we manage to embody an approximation of all these qualities (as one lovely woman I know does), might that be enough? Of course not! After all, we could always be brainier, slimmer, sexier, more thoughtful… and so this woman suffers from depression and dissatisfaction, just like many others.

As if this wasn’t enough, there are the expectations we carry with us from early childhood into adulthood. Whether we felt the urgent need to ‘be good’, ‘be loved’, ‘be happy’ or ‘behave’, these are the expectations which exert the tightest grip over us - after all, our very existence depended on exhibiting these behaviours when we were small and vulnerable, and when pleasing others was our very means of survival.

So we live under nothing less than a tyranny. I recall that, in my very first therapy session, I attempted to visualise this terrifying burden of expectations in a drawing. I’m no artist, but it was like a huge dark cloud bearing down upon my body with unbearable weight and crushing force. I felt empty and abandoned inside as I finally gave up struggling against the unstoppable tidal wave of domination which had pulverised my spirit. I felt empty, but I also felt a desperate sense of enormous relief in finally being able to give expression to how I felt.

The only way to free ourselves is to slowly and inexorably become aware of these silent imperatives and the contexts from which they emerge, and so to release ourselves from them. We need to be on the lookout for the ‘shoulds’, ‘oughts’ and ‘musts’ in our lives, and listen for the insidious, domineering voices within. Only through this painstaking process can we cast aside the fear of living under tyrannical rule, and enjoy the sense of liberation we deserve.